Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
