So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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