Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
