just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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