she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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