when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
