TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
