Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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