Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
