I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
