Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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