I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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