my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
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She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
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Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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