shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
