Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
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What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
be right there i have to get my cape
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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