I feel great
I just peed on a car
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
