You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Let's get the cat blown out
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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