i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
