just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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