I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
