Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
