I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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