never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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