respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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