hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
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If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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