my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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