if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
