you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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