i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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