you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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