This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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