I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
