Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
