Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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