I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
