pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
