My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
