True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
