Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
