Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
