I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
