Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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