You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
