She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
