ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
