i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I would fuck him just for his dog
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
