I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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