im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
