I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
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The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
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Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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