so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
