I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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