I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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