you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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