Just fell off a train. Bad.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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