just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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